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Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

Time Event
kinda sorta x-posted

I am so getting worse and worse. I so need to do something about my body, else I am going to freak out here too soon. I am even on anti depressants and still depressed about my lack of movement transition wise.

I need either chest surgery or T.

I want surgery but doubt I will ever raise/save that much money. as for T, i started looking up on the net how much it would cost like that... OMG, I cant even afford that, I dont know what to do.

I just, I cant go more than an hour without thinking about my horrible situation. I hate not being me on the outside along with the inside. I look in the mirror and see someone else. that isnt me. I have had the urge to punch the person in the mirror for looking back at me.... daring me to try to do something about them...

I do not have more than like 10 dollars to spare, and even that I would have to plan ahead about a month.

I think part of it is, I have started to attend a local church.. and I pass well enough that they all know me as jesse the guy. even the pastor didnt think twice about it... but I look at myself, and I have to ask how the hell do they think that? I love going to that church now, because I can talk about my daughter and wife, and not have to worry about pronouns.. but, in the back of my mind I am like, wait a moment, your in church, talking about your wife, when your the one that was the birth parent....

I just, I feel like paceing around, I cant sit still, I cant think of anything but this... I mean, I am ready to have my phone cut off (and thus my net access) to attempt to buy T online...

before I had my baby girl (I had her via c-section march 3rd) I could thrust these thoughts to the back of my mind, ignore them, disassociate my self from my body... but now, I cant anymore.

Life is too real now to slip into that zone in my head, that other life...

Current Mood: frustrated
sorry, needed to promote. let me know if you dont like this here.
promotion behind the cutCollapse )

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