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Friday, May 23rd, 2003

Time Event
4:11p
Guava Juice for my Soul
Yesterday was MY first day (and time) going to a support group.

IT WAS GREAT!!!

Although my grandmother got us lost on the way there. It was raining like mad harriet and we had to basically SWIM to the Compass building it was all WORTH IT!!!

My grandmother was really nervous about going with me. I could tell because she smoked about a thousand times before we got there =/

When we actually got TO the building she sent me on ahead. First thing I see...some gay dude tall as a red wood with an earring and curly hair lumbering around. He looks at me...I look at him. We fall in love, have kids...just kidding. He walked away and sat down.

Thought going through my head "The lobby is full of men. Gay men. Gay men are walking around THIS lobby. Oh my god they must be plotting against me. I was brought here to die."

I'm paranoid like that. It didn't have much to do with gay men such as I hate being in a place where everyone has the the EXACT same motives and problems. I'd feel the same way a Trekkie convention (Even though I AM a trekkie!)

So I go to this NICE looking gay man (tee hee, he was stumbling around with some papers. While everyone in the lobby ignored his plight. I like people like that. I usually can relate to them) and he was like "Oh um...I...uh...it's usually...uh...ask the man at the front desk he can help you." (He thought it was in this one room, but got all confused_) Mind you the guy behind the desk looked like a serial murder/rapist from Hannibal or American Psycho.

He leads me down some alley looking hallway (more paranoia) and then into some dark corridor which later suddenly lights up (Lord of the Rings?)and magically the room is there! He leaves before we actually get there though. I think he thought the room consisted of the plague. I mean he basically SPRINTED. which made me only think of doom to come.

I step in and being ME I immediately try to hide in the corner behind people so I can just listen. And then everyone's like "No no no! Sit here in the middle we won't bite!" And I look at everyone and I said to myself "Nice people". The names of the people I found out later were Julie (Group leader), Heather, Colby (came in later), Shawn, Bill (Silent, Sailor Uranus type), Kelly (A DOLL!), Janice (came in later), and Jeanette (came in later).

They were discussing a problem with Kelly at some family event. Everytime before the event the family was accepting but now they suddenly were all bitchy and evil and being mean to Kelly. I felt bad, and wanting to speak, BUT I had to sit and be MYSELF. The shrinking violet. Clutching onto my umbrella (still raining BADLY outside) and monitoring the group. Taking in how well everyone's voice's were and such.

Then my grandmother came in acting all...ick. And she sat down next to me. I'll be honest...I didn't want her there. I know she needed to be but....yeah.

Then they stopped with Kelly and concentrated on me and my grandmother introducing ourselves. My grandmother stole the show. I was all wallflowery, but I loved everyone there. My grandmother learned very little by the end of the meeting and we took up ALL of their time! I felt so bad, I wasted the whole meeting on ME!

At the end everyone was so nice and I was like DESPERATE to connect! Just needing it! THESE people I wanted to be friends with and talk to and share stuff with. But my grandmother kept pulling me away. Colby (sweet, if not headstrong girl) asked me if I wanted her number, AND I DID! I would LOVE to be able to speak with Colby AND CONNECT! But my grandmother was basically bolting out of the door. I HAD to go but I wanted to stay and feel the comradery.

Great meeting.

Later my grandmother dissess everyone by calling them by their birth sexes. I wanted to be like "Ma, that's SO rude! Never do that to a transsexual!" but I didn't want an arguement.

The one part in the meeting that got me was that everyone said "Don't shut yourself out, talk with your mom, she needs you to be open with her." My mom is the troubling and resistant one here. And it's for the dumbest reasons!

But I need advice. How do I NOT shut myself out. It's one thing to try talking with her about stuff, but how do I stand against her negative comments? I'm at a loss on that one. We're supposed to talk about the meeting on Sunday. What should I DO?!

Current Mood: anxious

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